numb

I feel paralyzed.

So paralyzed I can't motivate myself to eat my leftovers from lunch for dinner or indeed articulate the point I actually wanted to make with this post.

I am paralyzed firstly because my weekend visitor left and now I don't know what to do with myself. Sit on my stripped bed and procrastinate a writing assignment that's due tomorrow and an article to edit. I will get back into my routine, I guess. But after such a lovely break my day-to-day crazy doesn't sound at all appealing.

But tomorrow, once I have forgotten the wonders of the weekend and how nice it is to be around someone who cares, I will still be paralyzed. It's just this feeling i've been getting lately about my wide-open future. I have a mountain of interests, possibilities, prospects, experience, skills--thank you, college. But what i'd like to have is a path. A plan. A rule. Something that will tell me where to go and what to do and how to do it. I feel like if I don't do something different and exciting now (aka, work at Yellowstone) then I will never get to do it, because i'll be trapped in the professional world for all eternity. But I don't want to do something different and exciting now because i'm so tired of thinking about this fork that I just want to make my decision already and get started on my life in a city that is not located in Southern California.

Okay, so get a job. But I have been rejected so many times that whenever I tailor my cover letter, resume, and clips to fit yet another position, I am doubtful that I will ever actually hear anything. I think of my job application materials like the plague, yet I know there's nothing wrong with them. Okay, then find a city. In that department i'm having trouble with my priorities. Yes, a job will help me attain happiness and the financial ability to live in another city, but the friends that live in these places will ultimately decide how content I actually am. I can make friends, true. I will make friends, but how many of these important people in my life will I be able to live without? Move first, job later? But what if I choose wrong?

I am paralyzed.

I have two months.