now what

Freshman year -- and even sophomore year when we had time -- I frequently ate dinner with a group of three other girls who lived on my floor. We'd eat, we'd laugh, and we'd sit there for hours procrastinating the evening's studies. Junior year we all went our separate ways into I.V. or abroad; we didn't see each other quite as frequently and it became more and more difficult to get us all in the same place at the same time. But this year, we made an effort every few weeks to have lunch, not lingering as long because of various time conflicts, but nonetheless sitting together, laughing, and catching up.

This evening we had dinner. We lingered just as long as we used to at the dining commons, this time in the natural light of a restaurant and not under the horrible gaze of that mural in Ortega. It was pleasant until I started to think about it as the last time. When I started college I never thought it would end. I remember so clearly walking around campus the day I moved in, talking to my neighbor who would later become my good friend, wondering at the experiences that lay ahead. And here it is, ending. I'm ready for it to be over, i've taken from it all I could have -- i've grown up -- but it's terrifying looking ahead because I know it will never be the same. My life here is such a bubble. I have a dozen good friends within arms reach and all the intellectual stimulation I could ever need a five-minute bike ride away. What is the real world like?

I've been riding the last few months on the excitement and adventure of graduation, or at least the big decision, and now as i'm about to begin my last day of classes, write my last paper, take my last final, complete the last day at my internship, it's beginning to feel real and i'm not quite sure what I should do. Run around and celebrate? Stay quiet and soak in the nostalgia? Go about my business as usual? Try to forget?

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I've had an obsession for the last four years with the hot dog stand on campus. Whenever I am fortunate enough to pass by it (which has been quite often this quarter due to the location of my classes) I am treated to the potent aroma of beef, turkey, and veggie hot dogs sizzling on the grill. I have never smelt anything quite like it, so juicy and so flavorful, and I suspect I never will again. But even though I have long harbored this obsession, for whatever reason I have never actually bought a hot dog there. Now, because I only have a week left here and i'm safe from the possibility that I would also become obsessed with the taste of these hot dogs, I have decided to walk up to the stand and order.